I can't believe there are only 3 more days left. It's really insane. Tomorrow is my going away party and it just feels way too soon. There is still so much left to do and I might stay up all night long working on AMSA and Medical school stuff. Still, for some reason, I spent 3 hours decorating a room I wont be spending the next 4 months in. I decorated a travel wall and an adventure wall.
Tomorrow I start packing. I've already been setting things aside that I would like to pack with me but I will actually pack it all away tomorrow. I might spend half the day just trying to decide on what outfits I might want to wear there (so that I can coordinate everything to have as little with me as possible).
I'm thankful I got to see it snow one last time back home. It was ridiculous how much the warm weather was making me nostalgic and excited for spring and summer.
I've been seeing so many statuses about going back to school and each time I read one I become so jealous, wishing I was going back to school too. I think about the excitement of printing out my weekly schedule and planning in all of my exercise and friendship time for the week or searching through websites for new clubs to try. Will I go bouldering with the cave club more this semester or maybe swing dance? Should I sign up for another Watercolor class through the YMCA or plan a hike for next weekend with Hillcrest? I remember the excitement I feel when I purchase my textbooks, take in the new book smell, and flip through all the new knowledge I will acquire by the end of the semester. There's no doubt about it, I love school and I especially love Virginia Tech.
I am overcome with a bit of sadness, knowing that I'm not coming back again to school until I suddenly realize that I'm going to something very different and equally exciting. I guess its easier to miss the known and good than the unknown and possibly miserable. I know how to navigate through Virginia Tech, all the things that the university has to offer and how to plan in new adventures for myself. Yet, where I'm going next seems so....unpredictable. In some ways, that scares me. It feels like starting college again, having the same anxieties. Will I like my classes? Will the people I will be spending every single day with for the next 4 months like me? Will the rooms be too cold? I always get so cranky when I'm too cold...what if that stops me from making friends? What kind of running routine will I be able to have while traveling? What if I have a hard time adjusting to such a change? I feel that its even more terrifying because, like starting college, you feel as if you're cut off from all of your support networks. Yet, this semester most of all, showing me the strength of my relationships with my family and friends. They might not be as easily within reach as before, but I know I can turn to many others, and even some that have already gone through the PGS experience and have a wealth of advice. It wont be miserable, I don't need to be afraid, but I am...a little.
A few days ago, I was driving back to Northern Virginia from New Jersey. As a break from driving, I walked into a tourist center and was surprised to see that it looked EXACTLY like an airport terminal. I got such a rush of excitement for what is coming. I bet I will feel the same way when I'm actually at the airport gate by myself. I've NEVER started an adventure overseas by myself. Really, I have only taken an airplane by myself one time, when I came back to the U.S. from Uzbekistan.
I wrote home previously, where U.S. was. As I changed it from "home" to "U.S." I realized that the term home for me is so interchangeable. I always seem to accidentally say "home" when I refer to coming back to any place, not just my own house that I live in with my parents. I've used it to refer to Virginia Tech, my apartment in Uzbekistan, my hotel room, even Tim's house. But none of those were really home by the strict definition of how that word is understood. I imagined that it would be a very strange thing to explain to someone who doesn't speak English well, a foreigner that might encounter the fluidity of the language and the common complexities of Americans saying one thing but meaning another. Or so I thought before I considered that maybe for someone else, it wouldn't be hard at all to explain because home is one physical place and that no matter where they go in life, home for them will remain a constant entity. Yet I'm not one of those people.
I am a traveler, a woman of many different worlds. As some of you know from the opening lines of my personal statement, the way I like to describe it is that "I was born nowhere." Not only did I grow up surrounded by many different traditions and cultures (Russian, Uzbek, American) but I am also among a group of people, the travelers, that have a broader concept of home.
I knew months ago, as I was thinking about the trip to Switzerland, that I would want to explore that concept, the idea of home. Where is home for me? I've begun to understand that I do not feel tethered to that concept nor any physical place to call my home. As I said before, home to me seems to be a place to return to. The essence of home is something that I bring with me and use it to infuse whatever space I choose. With a strong foundation of certain beliefs about the world, I believe I am also am a fluid being that is influenced unpredictably by the world I see. More importantly, that belief is something very fundamental to who I am. I cherish the freedom and ability to create a home wherever I go I have no intention of ever being one thing or belonging to a single place or one type of group. That's just not who I am.
I feel that every place I experience adds a new layer to who I am as a person. I didn't choose to go to Europe because I thought it would be a cool thing to check off a bucket list. I made the decision to take the chance (and risk) of going to Riva San Vitale because I truly believe that it will push me to grow and change in an non quantifiable way. To a pre-med student that has gauged all of her major decisions the last few years based on professional value, even that seems risky to me, to do something that is so difficult for other people to instantaneously acknowledge the value of for own personal development. It's easier to show the value of taking a certain number of credits towards a major or working a job for a certain number of months. Those things are easy to explain and for others to understand and connect to. This is not one of those experiences. The value will only be fully seen by me (and perhaps a few that have already been there, although even each participant's experience is different). That is scary, to do something for yourself like that, but I really do have the deepest faith in what it will do for me.
There is a life I envision for myself in which I help to change the face of health around the world, have meaningful and fulfilling relationships with my friends and family, and achieve a myriad of personal ambitions. This is just a part of that life that I am creating. As I sit here preparing for the last few days in my house with my family and friends, I can acknowledge that Riva isn't quite my home yet, I haven't been there, but I look forward to making it so.
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